DAY #18

The days in between just passed by with my illness. Suddenly the weather changed and it has started raining for some days. And as if some universal rule i cough a severe cold. Had been suffering with for someday and thus had kept myself away from all this. A painful temple, running nose and fever kept me on sick bed for some days. Though nothing much interesting happened in these days except that gradually each in the family fell sick to this abrupt season change. My mother in law is keeping to herself as she has a more severe condition than me which is keeping me at bay.

Now the news comes that she would be going for a tour to visit her younger son during his  last days in bangalore in september start. Now the trouble is what will happen at home. If i would be staying back, cooking and washing for them or would i get back to my parents place and just ignore the rest. My MIL had gone earlier too and i had myself taken the responsibility to manage home. I had done as i said but then she started feeling insecure once she returned home and kept behaving arrogantly quite sometime. She even said that I am a new bride and not the authority of the family. That is she and her husband and I cannot take a decision without taking their permission. She had blamed me for everything i had done during her absence. She had tried to kill my motivation to do anything for them.

Now when again the time has come for her to enjoy herself, i am planning everything i can to plan a revenge against her. My husband being the one struggling in between but then i cant help. He had not supported me when his mother had showed me her disgrace. He too has to suffer now. Just one person cant be right always and others too are human beings too. If she is the highness of this family why am i being asked if i would like to stay back in her absence. She is supposed to decide that. But as expected she doesnt want to take any blame on herself. She needs to plan now. Its high time show your colors until another girl comes in the house to live this torture.

I am enjoying this stress though. If you cant fight your demons in the family how do you suppose to fight the demons outside? He has to take a decision. Of my stay, my work, my life. I caot be blamed for every petty reason. I will no longer sacrifice for that idiot woman.

DAY #13

Yesterday ended on a very confused note. Sometimes I feel my husband has changed while other times it seems somethings are still embedded inside his head. One of them is that a woman always loves and cares for her husband and no one else. May be I can never explain to him how much it hurts me everytime he hints on this. My heart breaks knowing he doesnt even want to realise my stand. Last night it happened too.

Somehow he always wants an assurance from me that I would love his parents like him which is not possible coz his parents doesnt consider me their own. I am their daughter in law so they are my in laws too. He hurts me often for loving me truthfully and madly. Loving him has become a curse for me. If everything would ever fall in place, it might be at my death bed, or maybe that wont effect too. After all no one can understand me. My husband doubts my intentions. The thought kills me within but then I cant show him. I cant love him. I need to love his family to love him even as much as they despise me.

He doesnt even understand that. He doesnt understand me. He would never do. I sometimes regret loving him, marring him and doing for him. I have lost my life, my desires and him. I am living a slow death inside me, that is killing me everyday. Only if it could kill me quickly.

DAY #12

Twelve days have passed since I last visited my parents. The desire to go there is increasing slowly. I usually visit them once a month for a week. But then again it seems too less days for a visit to them. Time passes like a thunder and before I even realise its time to get back to this prison.

Yeah, thats what I call this place. Not that I am being beaten up everyday but a mental trauma keeps building up with every moment of my stay here. I try to ignore it as much as I can but still everytime I see my mother-in-law's face or her eyes, i feel a fear, a doubt and a stress build up. I can't explain it to anyone, how I feel. My mother might have understood a bit and says to avoid looking at her, but how do I do that. I cat explain it to my husband coz he doesnt want to understand or rather he doesnt understand the complications of life.

I dont blame him. She masks her real face in front of him and gives him a different view about her intentions about me. But I know how the real things are and managing them has taken me by stress, lots of stress. She gets involved in anything one does and tries to intervene everytime it happens. Its frustrating. She doesnt let me go out. I have accepted but it irritates me. My husband is a mamma's boy who trusts her with everything. Another reason why i cant completely rely on him with my problems.

Today too started on a tired note looking at the same irritated expression on my mother in law's face. But then things hasn't gone too far with her anger and I am too ignoring her expressions, keeping myself busy with my work. Hope my ventures start and I earn enough to get a little high with things here.

DAY #10 and DAY #11

The two days had been pretty similar way. Both the mornings started with our confusions how to move ahead with our troubles. I can somehow understand the problems and the source of it but its bit too early and wrong to get him know my thoughts. The time needs to ripe more before we could actually take a decision. A time when things would get drastically wrong or unchanged.

I am trying to keep the patience on as much as I can as it would just ruin the little evolving leaf. The tree would take a lot of time to grow. We are stressed yet we try to compose each other every single minute for the other to get the help ad support. I don't want to leave him nor do i fear to struggle but I need a life. A life which i could live i my own terms. This trouble would take us a long way i know. I am now waiting for a year to complete. May be we could then plan some future ahead.

Yesterday went calm and smooth. No work started as of now. But would soon get enough to keep me busy in this virtual world.Hope things ru faster and I get the strength to hold on long enough..

DAY #8 And #9

A super hectic Weekend passed and i had to keep my writing banters at bay to cope up with the rest. The struggles in our married life continued to show but then that has still not effected my relation with my honey.

The weekend kept us busy with two invites both on sunday from our own cousins. Thus saturdays went on preparations for the same. The morning was cloudy and rainy so spent the time together on our venture for new work. In the evening went for some shopping. Gifts to be taken to the invitations and some more shopping for our trip few months later. The shopping brought in some tension at home where his parents didnt much like the idea of buying things on our own and that too without informing them. The idea itself gave me a bitter feeling towards them but again, the invitations kept things grounded somehow.

Next morning the usual banter while going to someone started. I dont really understand why my Mother in law feels and creates so much stress for trifles of things. As like how would my cousins react looking at my hubby's protruded belly. If it was a concern that needs to be thought in the rest of the year when things could change, not an hour before going out. But who could explain to the highness who is too egoistic to listen to anyone.

Anyways the morning invitation somehow sufficed as the invite was from my relative. Home cooked food by my cousin sister, loads of pampering from others felt different. We enjoyed a lot and in the end my hubby didnt want to return back.

The second one came from their end where I was the guest. Scared how people would react to me  looking ugly, again the highness kept pushing me to makeup and a disgusting red saree she had bought during our wedding. As I am the guest there and I dont really care how I look, I adorned the bloody red color, patching up on the morning makeup and some traditional jewellery given by them. Easy isnt it?

But then things got a little topsy when the person who had supposed to be caring a lot about my looks came out wearing a house rob, nighty, as we call it. Something to be worn during the night. Things started getting pleasantly more dirty as the lies slowly resurfaced. I kept mentally calculating and comparing the two invitations, putting the thoughts into words at times. There was loads of food, more expensive than the other invite but then they were bought and not cooked. The difference started with the two cousins. One being the expert in the house, other couldn't even wipe out a mess being helped by the highness, a guest afterall. The guests were the least too. Not one person mentioned earlier who didn't know me or saw me first were invited. Well, lies needs loads of planning. People usually underestimates that.

We returned late last night and slept. The morning got a usual shabbiness with the highness fighting with her husband about a bathroom and its cleaning. Well not too bothered though but have kept myself aloof and centered.

A  work was supposed to be deployed today but didnt come yet. But my blogs are progressing as i started with another one on my passion. Food and cooking. I am enjoying thoughnot much response yet.

Being satisfied and glorified with my little joy of winning I returned home with a smile. I was happy with the mental balance sheet of the two columns of the day. I was heavy, so were my teachings and principles.

DAY #7

Last night followed on a sad note bringing in a dark morning. Some past old struggles again came back on the upfront. Though it didn't much effect our relation as of now, but sooner or later it will start effecting. Or it might be effecting now too but on a very low surface not even visible to us. The sexual relation within us was i trouble from the very beginning. Just after our wedding ay everything was topsy turby when my husband found out his sudden inability to perform a sexual act. Earlier he had never faced such issues which effected him in the worse possible way. What added fuel to the already burning fire was my delimna and confusion about the whole thing. Situation just worsened as my husband started suffering from a complex within and worried about our falling relation. I too worsened by showing my frustration and irritation. Others too came up with their suggestions and it broke us. We consulted doctors, psychiatrists who assured us of a extreme cure.Medicines too had left us helpless in the beginning.

Finally one night a severe fight within us and some grievances from either families took us apart and and we talked. We decided to give ourself a try and it worked somehow. Though not too quickly but gradually we did overcome the distance between us. We have traversed the crooked path together, everytime stumbling and falling and again helping ourselves back. Just when everything was breaking apart we found our competence in each other. We decided to live happily with each other breaking the stereotype of lust. Though hindrances kept evoking, we evolved in our love nest. We started getting closer, understanding and learning to love each other. It started happening at a fast pace. Breaking, evolving, went on. We were happy. My husband's condition improved. But suddenly a chaos in the house and my body gave in. Now i was feeling so stressed that my body stopped reacting to touches. I was scared my husband might again feel depressed. My husband did stand with me but my mind and heart was bruised enough to stop reacting to the care. Depression was seeping in when one fine day, some harsh words from my MIL and i faced a panic attack. 

My husband felt stressed and took me to a psychologist. He gave an anti-depressant which made me fall asleep for two days which scared his mind out. We went on a small outing and somehow i relaxed. We were happy and we advanced physically too. We had a slight intercourse though it didn't bring much pleasure. We were happy and started dreaming of the pleasure that it might bring. Last night we tried again. But the little troubles we faced then is now troubling us. My husband keeps replaying the pain and effort and that kept scaring him.I was lacking arousal just as him. We couldn't do anything last night. Nothing could arouse the feelings needed for both of us.


Today morning too started in that similar stressed mood. Talking about the remedies, the troubles, the thoughts, brought in negativity. I was scared thinking if the repeated attempts and failures would frustrate us to this level that we would stop trying, which might again bring back the distance between us. My husband understands which is the only relief, but the question is how long. Hope the good grace helps us to keep patience until everything turns well.

DAY #6

Finally took some time for this baby of mine.Another  day started with dark clouds hovering across the sky with random drizzles and downpour. My husband too left early for his work looking at the climate. I had breakfast, helped with the little chores i am assigned or not assigned and settled down with my tablet and laptop. 

Opening the  tab found an interesting film. Started watching it putting all my other work at rest. The movie ended and I am back here with the little babies i have started with so much enthusiasm. Rains always had an effect on me. The feel of a clean mind and refreshed soul takes away all the difficulties and struggles from life. The beautiful way it sweeps away the sad memories is incredible. The little riffles in the water as the rain drop touches the surface, the wet roads, the wet houses, the drops on the leaves, the little drops on my face, everything brings in a new feel. The energy and the interest to start over new. A new beginning after a dry scorching Summer.

Rains and me. The perfect combination duo. Just the iron grids, the wooden doors become the barriers, otherwise i would have gone and melted myself with the rain returning back only when some sincere earnest hearts requested. How lovely would have been that life living i nature's lap. No worries, no struggles and no words. Silence spoke and understood

The day came to an end with a new idea popping up. Planning to work on my passion. somethig I have always tried and wished. Lots of things in a pipeline and on my mind, Need to work on them patiently. Happiness is inflating and i am feeling it each and every minute. Nothing can keep me away from myself now. Absolutely nothing.

Off to sleep soon,,,,Good Night everyone..

HQ- 100%
CL-95%
Stress-12%
Relation-98%

********

DAY #5

The morning started early today. Husband is getting quite excited and romantic these days and so am I. Had been planning for a trip towards the end of september for some time now. He is getting almost everything he desired in this trip except for the cost. It is getting pretty expensive every other day. But then he is not discouraged. He is moving forward though a bit slowly measuring the pro and cons with each step ahead. He consults me, even takes my suggestions at times and adheres to it. The discussions, the talks, the late night plannings everything is just getting me better here.r

Others at home are calm. Little insults are there but  I have kept myself away from them to affect me. I have made one thing clear within myself. I am not staying here to prove myself to anyone. I am taking everything that is coming my way n the bravest way possible. 

A little turn into the daily story. Took a tiny little revenge from my enemy for something she had done long back. The blame she does try to put on me. I don't mind though, i have done what was needed to be done.  Something got damaged but then hatred does bring damage. Played my card well and cleverly. Time and life gives opportunity to everyone to get what they truly deserve. Happiest moment today. I doubt it will diminish soon.

I know this will again come back to me. Not the same way but a bit differently. But then it always does. Even when I had the least thought of something happening like this. People change faces. Every human tries to find a shoulder to burden the blame for any damn situation. But when the shoulder is its own they either argue or they cry but hardly ever they accept their wrong doings. I know people cannot be judged with a single instance but then repeated instances gives better grip of the games being played. Then again everything has a perfect time. A  time when everything just takes a sudden turn and the right puzzles takes their places. Some places fixed while some still remain to be fixed and some new puzzles being created every minute.

The night stretched   quite late. Been planning for our vacation trip and working on the reservations. also my new work venture is started. It would still take a lot of time to actually understand and start working but I am trying to understand the rules. Hopefully will kick start soon.

The little trouble that keep bothering for some days finally ended in the evening. Though the relief wasn't really on a happy note yet it gave us some relief. The rest of the night was peaceful and calm. 

Finally finishing on a cool mode..

HQ- 92%
CL- 60%
Stress - 10%
Relation- 85%

DAY #4

The disappointing feel from yesterday remained. Though i have tried my best to maintain the peace within myself. My husband is assuring of a life long relation and happiness and i am sure he isnt lying. But the pain and sadness of losing a dear one to his own selfish ego does keep me pricking at times which keeps me restricted to my husbands concern too. A close someone broke all ties with me trying to scare me of embarrassment. I have stopped caring long back. I never tried to explain my dilemma and he never tried to understand my silence. concern if you call it, i do miss him but his ego and my self respect is the biggest barrier.

I hope he understands the story at my end one day without any of his selfish reasons. We don't know where we went wrong but if trying to understand someone else troubles is a crime, we are criminal. If not showing off our material possessions is wrong we are fools for keeping our self grounded. If silently punishing ownself for your meaningless banters was wrong, yes we are wrong and we will live with it. Hoping you would not have to bend down to this low regretting your sins.

Anyways coming back to today. A nice cloudy day and still a whole day remains behind. Finished with my breakfast and sat down to start learning for my own new personal venture.But started over here..

well will come back again...time to call mum...

Finally back after a long day. Every thing went almost fine with the absence of trouble away from the house. My mind was calm so was the house. later during dinner again she tried to prick me with her usual weapons of insensitivity. Taking her words as random banter from a mental patient I ignore, restoring the little moment of anger and restlessness. my husband is with me and someday hopefully I would be able to get my revenge for all her irrespective words. 

ANOTHER USUAL DAY NO SADNESS

HQ - 56%
CL- 70%
STRESS- 15%
RELATION-78 %

DAY #3

The day started on a little subtle note making fun of me. But later got better as I kept forgetting the words slowly. Then it was pretty mechanical with me avoiding people as much as I can. But towards the end the day skipped on a sad note. I had shared a secret about my love for jackfruit with hubby but he betrayed and told everyone. The jackfruit on the dinner table reminded me of the day when I couldn't visit my parents for them and my father had brought all my favorite delicacies for me, jackfruit being one of them. The words kept pricking me again bringing in a disappointed feeling. Not a very good day.

HQ - 26 %
CL- 89%
Stress - anger 67 %
Relation - 45% (blow down)
  
ONE DAY OF DISAPPOINTMENT  

DAY #2

An important day it was. Completed 4 months from our wedding day. Celebration counted on our getting real close to each other and sharing everything within us. Again a pretty good day with husband at home with me. he tends to get closer and comfortable with me with each passing day. He keeps showing his care and affection for me. Our relation is improving in leaps and bounds. This itself is bringing me back my broken confidence. A little trouble at home but i am able to keep peace in myself ignoring the words silently. No arguments, no tension, nice day.


HQ - 87%
CL- 58%
RELATION-75%
STRESS- 12%

Another step towards happiness...

30 days of happiness

Day #1

Not a superbly bad day. Returned back to my in-laws from home with honey. Honey looked more attractive than before and the family too. Little sadness prevails but the heart is happy and calm.

HQ - 66 %
Stress - 15%
CL - 76 %
Relation - 69%

Overall a nice happy day....